Kindle eh?

The more I check the features of Kindle 2, the more I realize it's a 3G enabled laptop with basic functionalities.

I mean think about it, basic email, MP3 functionality, basic browser...

I can totally see this coming:

Kindle 5.0 - Replace your laptop, cellphone and coffee maker!

My significance

Preetha: Tell me what you do that is of significant help to me...

Me (without a pause): I am the person who makes sure the stepping stones to your path of success are maintained mold free so that you dont slip off...

Own a piece of god!

I had my wisdom tooth pulled out so anytime anyone cracks a joke I laugh and cry at the same time. I know it sounds funny but try it when you have a mouth ulcer....yeah!

I saw this advertisement (actually many of them) where you can own a piece of a Hindu god. Right away I was both amazed and awed by the challenges with making this ad. First of all we have 100s if not 1000s of Gods in Hinduism. I guess we can circumvent that problem by choosing the most popular of them. The next problem is what 'piece' of the god do you sell? Christian channels sell holy water. Usually in a ketchup sized packet. Then there is the problem of who will present it to you? Usually the Christain Channels have a Pastor or a Reverand who does it for us. What about covering the entire country? The US has toll free numbers. But in India you have people who won't call it because their carrier will charge for air time minutes anyway. Also what problems do we focus on? You wonder dont you? I will present the template of the advertisement for you:
The ad starts with a godman (with the fake'st' wig you've ever seen) dressed in saffron wishing you with a 'Om ' (insert fav god here) Examples: Narayana, Shiva, Ganesha, Hanuman
With a voice that makes you want to go the Razzies and ask them to nominate this guy, he goes 'Do you have problems in family? Do you have problems in love? Do you want to win the lottery? Do you want to own a house? Do you have problems at work? Do you have problems in Business?' (I lost count after a while).
Godman: Then here is your answer to all problems, (insert fav god here) Kavach. Wear this for any of your problems and see the melt away. Listen to Mrs. Overmakeup Sharma, Mr. Venkatesh HighAllthetime and Mr. FatandRound Singh to see how it helped them.
Mrs. Two coat lipstick Sharma: He was having a lot of problems with his car mileage and my son could not fill his entire 120 GB IPod with songs and my baby was always wanting to be fed all the time. I was then 'blessed' with the Kavach. Immediately he got a hybrid car to add to his 10 car collection, my son went and bought an 8 GB Ipod and I realized that the baby wasn't even his.
Godman: OMMMMMMMMMMMMMM (insert fav god here) . Did you see how sister Twocoat was able to overcome all her problems. That is not all we are giving you. We are giving a huge recycled paper poster that usuall sells for Rs. 10,000 on the streets but will be given for free here as a blessing. Let us listen to Mr. Venkatesh.
Mr. Venkatesh Highallthetime: Our Highall family were rich and prosperous, a lot more prosperous than the Highandtall family that lived opposite to our mansion. Then one day they constructed a completely useless arch infront of their house. Our family was heart broken and above all confused, why would someone build an arch to decorate their house when millions of Indians can barely get a roof above their head to protect them. I prayed to Lord (insert fav god here)and as soon as I wore the (insert fav god here) Kavach, god came in the form of a bird nest and pooped all over their arch.
Godman: OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM (Rama, Narayana, Krishna, Shiva, Eswara, Kali, Durga, Lakshmi, Shakthi etc.) . Did you see how high Mr. Venkatesh got? Well to entice you hopeless fools who think having a dollar around your neck is going to ease life, we will also give you a magical card, that when tilted will show Him smiling and...smiling. It is a miracle of god that can only be obtained by viewing this card. This useless 3D card usually sells for as much as you will earn your entire life but we are giving that as a blessing to. But please listen to our most unconvincing person who can't act even if beaten, smothered with honey and thrown into an anthill, Mr Fatandround Singh.
Mr. FatandRound: Ommmm***BURP****mmm (insert fav god here) . I am blessed to get this kavach. Our cook could make only 4 cutlets per hour and so we had to share it per piece between my wife and two little sweet kids. Me and my wife were perplexed until the (insert fav god here) Kavach came our way. We got one each and then I decided to send my 45 year old elder kid back to his wife and kids and my 35 year old daughter back to her coma. After viewing the 3D card for extended periods of time in the sunlight my wife has now gotten cancer and her chances of survival are slim. I will soon be dining 4 cutlets :)
Godman: OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM (insert fav god here) ...
Now you have seen totally unbelieveable people who we paid lots of money to act make all their outlandish claims. Go to ripoffinnocenthindus.com and buy our (insert fav god here) kavach for Rs. 4000 plus shipping Rs. 100. Also get the totally cheap and recycled paper (insert fav god here) poster and (insert fav god here) 3D card that has no 3D effects for free...
OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Texas Chainsaw!!!

So on Saturday evening (the day before leaving for India) I took my bike out and managed to somehow drop it on it's side. The mother weighes 380 lbs and I never really was a fan of putting that much weight on my back. So I knocked a couple of neighbors doors, but it being Saturday evening, there wasn't anyone. I then saw one neighbor's fence open (down the street) and decided to walk all the way down.
I walked into the fence, expecting a 50 lb Pitbull or Wimaruner to jump and tear me apart. Instead I saw a guy standing with a chain saw in his hand and wearing a mask. Below him was another guy lying on his tummy. I wasn't sure if I had to call the cops or just run.He moved forward with a 'Hello'. I said "Hey, I dropped my bike can you help?"
He just said "I'll be there in a bit".
I stared at the lifeless guy on the ground. After a few tense seconds the guy got up and held a nail and said "There it is".
Anyway got that bike lifted up and parked in the garage again!

Airport rants

I had told my wife earlier that I'd adher to eating healthy stuff in India. So she was telling me at a later time "Suggs dont come to India and show mapillai muruku" (Suggs dont show off being the elder son in law".

I replied back "Correction....mapillai 'low colestorol, transfree, fatfree muruku".

Preetha: ???????

A personal note to Nescafe

STOP showing two loving couples sipping coffee and rubbing their foreheads and nose against each other and smiling...
I did that with my wife and she said "Get away with that stinking coffee breath of yours"

So start showing reality!